


A Quick Drink

by potionsmaster



Series: Death Wish [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drinking & Talking, Gen, Memories, Revelations, What If...?, if only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 14:25:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9495647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster
Summary: When a ghost sits down with you to talk, you listen.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BardofHeartDive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardofHeartDive/gifts).



**_A Quick Drink_** , by potionsmaster

 

Rating: T for language, major character death

 

 

~~~~~~

 

Williams had offered to sit with me at the bar, but I waved her off. I would rather be alone at the moment with my thoughts.  Seeing him at the memorial earlier shook me.  I know some of his family were there.  Kaidan was the spitting image of his father; there’s no doubt who else was a relative.  They all have the same thick hair, strong jaw, and dark, piercing eyes.  Captain Alenko had a few more lines on his face and silver in his hair starting at the temples.  It was like looking through an aging filter for a holo app on an omni-tool.  Eerie.

 

I take a draught of my beer.  Canadian lager.  Kaidan had introduced me to it and he and I would share a drink or three at whatever local watering hole we found in port during our spare time. It had grown on me more than I thought.  A chill creeps over my skin as a familiar, dark shadow slides onto the stool next to me.

 

“Commander Shepard?”

 

I glance up and the breath catches in my throat.

 

 _Kaidan_.

 

“I want to apologize...I came late to the ceremony and didn’t want to interrupt.  I think I disturbed you anyway.  It was me walking in the back…”

 

His voice is deeper in timbre, with a slight accent I can’t quite place, but the gravel in it is Kaidan’s nonetheless. Now that I see him up close, he doesn't look _exactly_ like the LT, but it’s close enough to give me pause.  Those thick brows are furrowed and his hand is offered.  After a brief moment, I mentally shake myself and grasp his hand, so warm and alive despite the raw weather.  

 

“Danya Alenko.  Kaidan’s older brother.”

 

The handshake is a good one.  Firm.  Decisive.  His hands are less calloused than Kaidan’s were, though.  Softer.

 

“Blake Shepard...nice to meet you. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were related.” Apparently he doesn’t believe me.  Hell, _I_ don’t believe me; a person would have to be blind not to see it.  His brother scoffs and raises an eyebrow at that. “He, uh...didn’t talk much about his family.”

 

Danya snorts again.

 

“Unsurprising.  We’re not a very close-knit group of happy people, to say the least. Why are you here alone?  I thought you’d be with your crew.”

 

There’s a slight edge of bitterness to his words.  He takes off the black trench coat and drapes it over the back of the stool, black sweater absorbing the dim light in the room.  Rain drops glisten like stars in his hair. Familiar.

 

“I was honoring your brother’s memory.  He was a fine soldier.”

 

That’s met with a nod.  I turn back to the bar and take another swig.

 

“I’ll join you.  What are you drinking?”

 

“Uh…”  I stare dumbly at my bottle.

 

“Is it the pisswater of a beer he claimed to love?   _Aie_...could never get him to appreciate the heartier ones from the homeland. No, we are going to do it properly...буфетник! [1]”  

 

My eyebrows raise as he lifts a hand, waving at a server.  A barkeep comes over and tosses a towel over his shoulder, looking expectantly at the two of us.

 

“Six shots of горілка [2].” The man blinks at him.  “ _Vodka_.  Sorry.”  

 

Six shot glasses are set up on the bar in front of us and filled with the clear liquor.  We each take one in hand.

 

“I’m sorry, but...I don’t recognize the language.  Where are you from?”

 

“The Federation of the European and Soviet North Asian Continent.  What culturally is Ukraine, to be more specific.”

 

“I see,” I nod, “Should’ve guessed from your last name.  That was another thing Kaidan failed to mention.  I never heard him speak it, and he didn’t have an accent.”

 

“Not to worry, Commander.  And he never spoke it, not really.  We grew up separately.  My mother kept me in Kiev and his mother kept him in Vancouver.”

 

I nod again, ears burning.  Feels like I should have known that.

 

“To Kaidan, may he rest peacefully…” I start to raise my glass and feel a jolt when Danya stops me, hand on my arm.   He shakes his head.

 

“Немає. [3]  Forgive me, Commander, but you never toast the dead.  Only to the glory and health of the living.  We use death to celebrate life.  Будьмо [4], Commander.”

 

He raises his shot glass.

 

“You respond ‘ГЕЙ! [5]’, by the way. We do this three times.  No clinking, though...bad luck.”

 

“Alright…”  

 

“And so: Будьмо!”

 

“Hey!” I reply, somewhat self-consciously.  We tip the shots back and place the empty glasses on the bar in front of us.  “So...I’m curious.  Were you guys close at all?  I don’t mean to be rude; I honestly didn’t know he had any siblings.  Are there more of you?”

 

Danya smiles sardonically at the shot he’s twirling on the bar between his fingers.

 

“There could be.  You’d have to ask my father on that.  He apparently had a habit of wandering, hence Kaidan being from a different woman.  Mama always said it was for the best, though, and she got the better end of the deal.  I don’t think she liked Kaidan very much, even though he never did anything to her. Besides exist, that is.”

 

“Oh...That’s...wow....”

 

“The older he got, the more we talked.  And by ‘talk’, I mean we would send emails.  Especially after he returned from Zero Jump.  He needed somebody then.  Papa definitely wasn’t available.”

 

“Yeah...he said it had been rough going.”  I think back to the SR-1 and the ‘personal debriefings’ we had, as Kaidan liked to call them.  He always would get a faraway look in his eye and close up if we touched on something he didn’t want to, saying it was his own personal baggage and that he was a fully-functioning human being, no need to worry about him.  If I had known then what I know now… We toast again and take the second shot, vodka burning all the way down.

 

“I have to admit, you are not exactly what I expected, Commander.”

 

“Oh?” My curiosity piques.  “How so?”

 

“Well, the way Kaidan talked about you, I thought sunshine would be blasting out your ass.  Turns out you’re human, like the rest of us.”

 

“Ex _cuse_ me?”  I look at him, incredulous.  The corners of his eyes crinkle in an achingly familiar manner, amusement glittering in his dark eyes.

 

“From what he wrote, I mean.  You could do no wrong in his eyes.  Not surprising, though.  You were the great hero of humanity on Elysium during the Blitz, first human Spectre...and now we can add the savior of the Citadel to the list.  It’s unfortunate he didn’t live to see that accomplishment, either.  And you’re biotic, like he was.  I’ve never seen him so infatuated with anyone before.  Even that girl, Rahna, didn’t have him in such a state.”

 

I stare at the man who wears Kaidan’s face, my own slack with shock.  LT?  Infatuated with me?

 

“ось лайно [6]....You didn’t know.”

 

It was a statement, not a question.

 

“I can only apologize again, Commander.  I assumed...by the way you spoke of him, I thought there must have been some reciprocal…”  He shakes his head, angry with himself.  The words tumble out of his mouth, accent getting stronger.  “I didn’t mean to offend.  I know some men, especially military, don’t always appreciate it when another man is interested in them -”

 

“- It’s ok, it really -”

 

“- hope you don’t think less of my brother because of -”

 

“- It’s fine, please...I would never -”

 

“- father never forgave him for it.”

 

“ _What?_ ” My jaw drops at that.  Danya slouches his shoulders and leans on the bar, not looking at me.

 

“I have said too much.  Пробач мені, командувач [7]. It was not my place to tell…”

 

“No, it’s - it’s fine. Please continue.  I wish I’d known.  Actually, I wish he’d told me. I - ”

 

I can’t speak properly, I’m so flustered.  If only, if only, if only.  I remember my mother saying, ‘ _If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride, Blake.  Nothing good ever comes of ‘what if’...’_   Dark eyes meet mine again, familiar serious look on his face.  I feel sick. Oh, Kaidan...why didn’t he _say_ anything...

 

“I see…thought maybe...because of the way _you_ were talking about him earlier today…” He sighs heavily.  “It doesn’t matter what I think.  And I would tell him as much, too.  Told him as long as he found happiness, I didn’t care who it was.  Papa always was harsh on him.  At least I was away from him growing up.  Keeping the fire away from the straw, yes?”

 

“Uh, sure…” I chew on my bottom lip, processing what he’s saying.  ‘What if’ keeps looping in my head. _What if, what if, what if.._.

 

“Pff.  All you have to do is look at our names to see exactly how he felt about us.”  He shifts on the stool, toying with the last remaining shot again.  It reminds me of Kaidan in the mess with his coffee mug; LT never could sit idle if he could help it.  Danya glances at my confused face and gives a mirthless smile.

 

“ _Kaidan_ is a derivative of кайдани [8].  Means ‘shackles’.  Mine? Даня? Means ‘Gift from God.’  Not hard to figure out.”

 

My heart aches.  What an awful thing to saddle your child with.   

 

“Damn, that’s…”  I shake my head, dumbfounded.  There’s nothing I can say.

 

“Papa had his head up his ass,” Danya grumbles.  “ _Has_.  I shouldn’t - he hasn’t changed, is what I am trying to say.  I was supposed to be the one who followed him in the Alliance and kept up the family name and tradition.  I had no interest while growing up, no matter how hard he pushed; he was gone all the time on deployment and when he was home, he still wasn’t very present.  And then when I was eight, Mama gets a call and I have a new baby brother.  Through the years, Kaidan was lonely and wished we lived closer.  Talked about joining the Alliance after Zero Jump, even after all they did to him.  He just wanted Papa’s approval for once...nothing he did was ever right.  I was surprised Papa wasn’t angrier about the...the _incident_.  Maybe he finally realized Kaidan was his son and not some annoyance he had to deal with.”

 

The shot glass twirls in his fingers, rhythmic and soothing, glass scraping on the bar. _Snk, snk, snk, snk_.  It’s tapping out a count.   _Breathe_.  In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four, five.  

 

“I can only apologize again...I spoke too much.”

 

 _Snk, snk, snk, snk_.

 

“No, it’s fine. I’m...glad you told me.  I, uh.  Wish I’d known a bit more, actually.  We never really got a chance to just sit and _talk_...the mission was everything.  Even when we were off duty, work always colored it and the conversations always managed to come back to the latest intel or report.  I would have really liked to talk with him, one on one.”

 

_Snk, snk, snk, snk._

 

“Heh.  I know he would have liked that.”

 

_Snk, snk, snk, snk._

 

In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four, five.

 

_I’d like that..._

 

He raised the vodka, brows furrowing.  “Будьмо!”

 

Liquid fire races down my throat and pools in my gullet, further igniting the bitterness.  What if, what if, what if.  I slap my shot glass upside down on the bar and shake my head.

 

“What does that mean, Danya?”

 

He twirls the shot glass one more time between his fingers, not meeting my eyes and slams it back before speaking.

 

“It means ‘ _Shall we live forever’_ , Commander.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

**Author's Note:**

> _Glossary:_
> 
>  
> 
> [1] bufetnyk - bartender  
> [2] horilka - vodka  
> [3] nemaye - no  
> [4] Bud’mo - a drinking toast  
> [5] Hey! - exactly what it sounds and says in English  
> [6] Os’ layno - Oh shit  
> [7] Probach meni, komanduvach - Forgive me, Commander  
> [8] Kaydany - shackles  
> [9] Danya - God’s gift
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: ooo, the feels…Disclaimer for a few things. Any and all mistakes in Ukrainian are mine and Google translates. The ‘Federation of the European and Soviet North Asian Continent’ is completely made up by me, and I’m going with it because the Codex says Canada, the USA, and Mexico got all lumped together into one big country. So I mushed Europe and Asia together. And as for the Ukrainian customs, I researched as much as I could, and I wasn’t able to find everything specific to what I needed. However, I also think tradition would get skewed in 200 years and it wouldn’t be exactly the same as it is today, so I believe I got the essence of Ukrainian funeral toast tradition ok. I hope I don’t offend anybody by getting something wrong; that’s not my intent


End file.
